Helping Children Cope With Death
Submitted by Site Admin on 6 April, 2008 - 14:37
Helping children cope
Helping children cope
with a death in the family.
Infants & Toddlers -
Ages 4 to 6 -
Ages 7 to 11 -
Ages 12 to 16
what to do - What NOT to do
Children will grieve if someone they love dies.
It is important that they are helped through the various stages of grief and they will need adult support to do so. Those who look after them will not want children to be hurt, and they may want to avoid talking to the children in order to protect them from unnecessary pain. Yet in practice, this is unlikely to be possible, for children will soon notice that the surviving adults are behaving strangely, and that something is wrong.
Children, like adults, differ widely in their reactions to death.
It is best, if possible, to bring the news of the death to them individually. This makes it possible to choose the best words for each child. It may help those who care for children to know how they view death, and how this varies with the age of the child. Religious beliefs and the relationship with the deceased person will also be important factors.
Adolescents are moving towards independence. They are much concerned with status and peer pressure.They are still immature, socially and emotionally. Adolescence can be stormy, but it is not like that witheveryone.
Young teenagers often reject their parents' standards.
Twelve and thirteen year olds may not get on well with their parents because they are moving towards being independent. Therefore, when death comes to a parent, there may be strong feelings of guilt.
A teenager aged 14 to 16 is less self-centred and may well start thinking about their own death when faced with the death of another.
Death is unusual, sudden and violent to adolescents. It is something they simply do not want to think about. Most teenagers feel insecure. Moving fast and keeping the music loud can be an escape from having to face the fears.
When they have to cope with the loss of an important relationship, this may cause them great fear, guilt, anxiety and anger. They feel that no one has felt the deep and powerful feelings they now feel. No one has ever loved as they love or grieved as they grieve.
The older adolescent will also be upset because others are grieving, so the pain is doubled.
Because adolescents form closer relationships with others of their own age than with their parents, it helps if there are others like themselves around who can give support.
Adolescents often respond well when other adults are willing to listen to them, and who can react as a parent would do. They may well respond to a clergyman, school counsellor, or another adolescent who 'understands'. Their families should not be upset if they look elsewhere for support. That is normal at this age.
what to do - What NOT to do
Children will grieve if someone they love dies.
It is important that they are helped through the various stages of grief and they will need adult support to do so. Those who look after them will not want children to be hurt, and they may want to avoid talking to the children in order to protect them from unnecessary pain. Yet in practice, this is unlikely to be possible, for children will soon notice that the surviving adults are behaving strangely, and that something is wrong.
Children, like adults, differ widely in their reactions to death.
It is best, if possible, to bring the news of the death to them individually. This makes it possible to choose the best words for each child. It may help those who care for children to know how they view death, and how this varies with the age of the child. Religious beliefs and the relationship with the deceased person will also be important factors.
Infants and Toddlers
Children aged two can sense loss, and suffer the feelings that go with loss, but cannot understand what death is. They will notice that people are upset, and will need to be held or cuddled. Explanations, however, will not be understood. Children of this age understand that someone is present or not present.
Before about the age of 18 months, they will not be affected by the loss of a person, unless that person was someone very important in their life, such as a mother.
An older infant will show grief by anger, crying, searching, lack of appetite, and finally quiet resignation.
Two year olds need to feel sure that someone will be there to feed them, pay attention to them, play with them, and talk to them. At this stage, they are able to let someone take the place of the person who has gone. What one does is far more important to a child at this age than what one says. Generally, it is best done by showing how you love them - holding, cuddling and stroking.
Before about the age of 18 months, they will not be affected by the loss of a person, unless that person was someone very important in their life, such as a mother.
An older infant will show grief by anger, crying, searching, lack of appetite, and finally quiet resignation.
Two year olds need to feel sure that someone will be there to feed them, pay attention to them, play with them, and talk to them. At this stage, they are able to let someone take the place of the person who has gone. What one does is far more important to a child at this age than what one says. Generally, it is best done by showing how you love them - holding, cuddling and stroking.
Ages 4 to 6
At this age children believe that anything that is active is alive. A wind-up toy seems alive when it moves, and they may cry when it stops. They cannot accept that death is for ever, and will clearly expect the person who died to be alive again soon.
So they may accept the news in a rather matter of fact manner. They may talk of the death of the person in the same detached way that they would talk of the death of a pet. This may upset the adults around them, which reaction may puzzle the children.
They know that adults do not cry or whisper when a pet dies, as they do when a person they loved has died. It may frighten children to receive no explanation they can understand. They may cry more because they are upset by the way people they know are behaving, rather than due to the death itself.
For children of this age, death may best be explained like this.
"His heart stopped beating and no one can make it start up again. Therefore, we won't be seeing him moving and talking anymore. We will put his body in the ground because he is not able to do or say anything anymore."
A six year old lost his brother and sister in a drink driving crash. For months after, his parents or the police would find him lying on the road trying to be hit so he could join them. At this age, he still had difficulty in separating fact from fantasy. He might have been satisfied by a description of how the crash caused them to die and their bodies to be buried, instead of being told that his brother and sister now lived in heaven.
Only if the person who died mattered a lot to a child (such as a parent, grandparent, brother or sister) will the child feel extremely sad about the loss. This may be because they feel abandoned. A child may conclude that the person they loved left them because they were bad. They have learnt that bad behaviour is punished and good behaviour is rewarded. It is helpful to point out over and over again that the loved one did not choose to leave or abandon them, and that it was something else that caused the death.
So they may accept the news in a rather matter of fact manner. They may talk of the death of the person in the same detached way that they would talk of the death of a pet. This may upset the adults around them, which reaction may puzzle the children.
They know that adults do not cry or whisper when a pet dies, as they do when a person they loved has died. It may frighten children to receive no explanation they can understand. They may cry more because they are upset by the way people they know are behaving, rather than due to the death itself.
For children of this age, death may best be explained like this.
"His heart stopped beating and no one can make it start up again. Therefore, we won't be seeing him moving and talking anymore. We will put his body in the ground because he is not able to do or say anything anymore."
A six year old lost his brother and sister in a drink driving crash. For months after, his parents or the police would find him lying on the road trying to be hit so he could join them. At this age, he still had difficulty in separating fact from fantasy. He might have been satisfied by a description of how the crash caused them to die and their bodies to be buried, instead of being told that his brother and sister now lived in heaven.
Only if the person who died mattered a lot to a child (such as a parent, grandparent, brother or sister) will the child feel extremely sad about the loss. This may be because they feel abandoned. A child may conclude that the person they loved left them because they were bad. They have learnt that bad behaviour is punished and good behaviour is rewarded. It is helpful to point out over and over again that the loved one did not choose to leave or abandon them, and that it was something else that caused the death.
Ages 7 to 11
Around the ages of seven or eight, a child feels that there is life where there is movement in nature. A cloud is alive as it blows across the sky. Water is alive when it gurgles and runs in the stream.
As children can now accept that some things are dead, they may begin to take an interest in what happens after death.
Seven or eight year olds may become fearful of death because they realise for the first time that it is real. They may feel very worried by the thought of losing a parent. Death can now be seen as something that attacks you and takes life.
Children are now able to accept that death is final. It is important for children of this age to show their sadness, anger, fear and guilt.
At this age children often feel guilty, and this is partly because they still believe in magic. Almost all children at sometime wish to eliminate their parents and siblings, and they may even dream about different ways to do it. Children of seven to nine may believe that their 'death wish' actually caused the death. They are much more likely to think this than adults, for they are not yet wise enough to realise that this could not happen.
Because children of this age are concerned with understanding death, they may search to find a 'cause' for it. They will then direct anger towards the someone or something that 'caused' it.
Children of this age may fear that death is a punishment for bad behaviour even more than younger children. They may fear that their naughty behaviour has brought about the death of a loved one, and that they are likely to be punished for it. They may fear that their other parent or they themselves will be the next to die.
Because children simply cannot understand death like adults can, it is more difficult to rid themselves of feelings of anger and guilt than it would be for an adult.
More adult ideas about life and death develop roughly between the ages of nine and eleven. By this age, children have learned that only people, plants and animals are alive. They know that something has happened which cannot be explained or understood.
Children of this age are not only sensitive to their own feelings, but can also share the feelings of others, and better understand what the loss may mean to them.
Children aged nine to eleven need comfort and support, but can be a source of support and comfort to others, if they are given the chance to be helpful to others during the crisis. This can help them cope with their own feelings.
As children can now accept that some things are dead, they may begin to take an interest in what happens after death.
Seven or eight year olds may become fearful of death because they realise for the first time that it is real. They may feel very worried by the thought of losing a parent. Death can now be seen as something that attacks you and takes life.
Children are now able to accept that death is final. It is important for children of this age to show their sadness, anger, fear and guilt.
At this age children often feel guilty, and this is partly because they still believe in magic. Almost all children at sometime wish to eliminate their parents and siblings, and they may even dream about different ways to do it. Children of seven to nine may believe that their 'death wish' actually caused the death. They are much more likely to think this than adults, for they are not yet wise enough to realise that this could not happen.
Because children of this age are concerned with understanding death, they may search to find a 'cause' for it. They will then direct anger towards the someone or something that 'caused' it.
Children of this age may fear that death is a punishment for bad behaviour even more than younger children. They may fear that their naughty behaviour has brought about the death of a loved one, and that they are likely to be punished for it. They may fear that their other parent or they themselves will be the next to die.
Because children simply cannot understand death like adults can, it is more difficult to rid themselves of feelings of anger and guilt than it would be for an adult.
More adult ideas about life and death develop roughly between the ages of nine and eleven. By this age, children have learned that only people, plants and animals are alive. They know that something has happened which cannot be explained or understood.
Children of this age are not only sensitive to their own feelings, but can also share the feelings of others, and better understand what the loss may mean to them.
Children aged nine to eleven need comfort and support, but can be a source of support and comfort to others, if they are given the chance to be helpful to others during the crisis. This can help them cope with their own feelings.
Adolescents (12 to 16)
Adolescents are moving towards independence. They are much concerned with status and peer pressure.They are still immature, socially and emotionally. Adolescence can be stormy, but it is not like that witheveryone.
Young teenagers often reject their parents' standards.
Twelve and thirteen year olds may not get on well with their parents because they are moving towards being independent. Therefore, when death comes to a parent, there may be strong feelings of guilt.
A teenager aged 14 to 16 is less self-centred and may well start thinking about their own death when faced with the death of another.
Death is unusual, sudden and violent to adolescents. It is something they simply do not want to think about. Most teenagers feel insecure. Moving fast and keeping the music loud can be an escape from having to face the fears.
When they have to cope with the loss of an important relationship, this may cause them great fear, guilt, anxiety and anger. They feel that no one has felt the deep and powerful feelings they now feel. No one has ever loved as they love or grieved as they grieve.
The older adolescent will also be upset because others are grieving, so the pain is doubled.
Because adolescents form closer relationships with others of their own age than with their parents, it helps if there are others like themselves around who can give support.
Adolescents often respond well when other adults are willing to listen to them, and who can react as a parent would do. They may well respond to a clergyman, school counsellor, or another adolescent who 'understands'. Their families should not be upset if they look elsewhere for support. That is normal at this age.
Some things not to do
There are a number of explanations of death which, though well-meant, may create confusion, doubt, guilt and fear, rather than understanding.
These should be avoided:
1 "Your daddy has gone away for a very long time".
Without further explanation, children will just think they have been deserted. They will then go on to view the desertion as punishment and react with strong feelings of guilt and resentment. They must know that the deceased has not chosen to go away, but has really died, been killed.
2 "Your mummy is now in heaven"
Seems impossible for a young child when they know that the mother is buried in the cemetery. Under seven or eight, they will have a difficult time understanding a concept of heaven. It is wisest to explain death in terms of a body's lack of ability to function. Children may be told that a mother's soul is in heaven, although this may be difficult to grasp. But, that the mother's body is buried in the cemetery should be made clear. They will eventually find out and feel deceived if they have not been told where the body is.
3 "It is God's will"
Can cause children to be extremely angry at God and to question his goodness and love just at the time when they need all the support they can get. It is better to explain that it was probably God's will for the deceased to live a full and happy life. However, something happened to cause the death to happen before anyone else was ready.
4 "Granddad died because he got sick"
Seems like an acceptable explanation on the surface, and yet without further explanation, children may assume that everyone who gets sick dies. Therefore, they may become extremely fearful of any kind of illness. Likewise, saying that "Grandma went to the hospital and died" can make it easy for children to conclude that hospitals make people die.
5 "To die is to go to sleep"
If this is all they are told, they are likely to develop sleeping problems because they are fearful of their own death. A clear distinction should be made between sleep and death.
6 Sending children off to be with other relatives or friends when a person dies makes it more difficult. It is best if they know what is going on. Parents should not prevent children from learning that they can cope with such an experience.
1 "Your daddy has gone away for a very long time".
Without further explanation, children will just think they have been deserted. They will then go on to view the desertion as punishment and react with strong feelings of guilt and resentment. They must know that the deceased has not chosen to go away, but has really died, been killed.
2 "Your mummy is now in heaven"
Seems impossible for a young child when they know that the mother is buried in the cemetery. Under seven or eight, they will have a difficult time understanding a concept of heaven. It is wisest to explain death in terms of a body's lack of ability to function. Children may be told that a mother's soul is in heaven, although this may be difficult to grasp. But, that the mother's body is buried in the cemetery should be made clear. They will eventually find out and feel deceived if they have not been told where the body is.
3 "It is God's will"
Can cause children to be extremely angry at God and to question his goodness and love just at the time when they need all the support they can get. It is better to explain that it was probably God's will for the deceased to live a full and happy life. However, something happened to cause the death to happen before anyone else was ready.
4 "Granddad died because he got sick"
Seems like an acceptable explanation on the surface, and yet without further explanation, children may assume that everyone who gets sick dies. Therefore, they may become extremely fearful of any kind of illness. Likewise, saying that "Grandma went to the hospital and died" can make it easy for children to conclude that hospitals make people die.
5 "To die is to go to sleep"
If this is all they are told, they are likely to develop sleeping problems because they are fearful of their own death. A clear distinction should be made between sleep and death.
6 Sending children off to be with other relatives or friends when a person dies makes it more difficult. It is best if they know what is going on. Parents should not prevent children from learning that they can cope with such an experience.
Suggestions for helping children cope:
1. Respond to children's feelings.
Obviously younger children are less able to describe their feelings. However, the person caring for the child should give them plenty of attention and do a lot of touching and holding, to help them feel secure. Children who are older and can talk more freely should be encouraged to talk about their feelings and fears. Their grief and anger should be accepted. The best way for children to talk freely about their feelings is to be with adults who are comfortable talking about their own feelings.
2 Reassure children when they talk about their fears.
Many of these fears will be unreasonable but nevertheless real because they are young. Only when the person who cares for them understands what a child's level of development is, will they be able to help the child. Responses to fear should be direct and simple. Children should be touched or held. They can usually accept explanations when they know an adult is trying to help.
3 Spend time playing with children under ten.
Children often show their deepest feelings through their actions. Respond to their feelings with actions. After the first few weeks following a death, those caring for children should take time to sit down and play with them, allowing them to express whatever they wish through their toys. Try saying "Your doll got angry when his Daddy left"; "Your doll or teddy is crying in the bed. What is she sad about?"
4 Missed events can matter a lot.
If Dad has been teaching his son to go fishing or pitch a tent, and then died, the child may seem that he is more upset over fishing and camping than over the loss of his father. This is not really so, but it is the way a young child is most able to express his loss. He needs sympathy and support for his feelings and not criticism because he expresses them that way.
5 A family crisis should be shown, but do protect children from seeing someone on whom they depend as being very upset.
They can usually handle the feelings of sorrow, loneliness and anger but to witness people on whom they depend when they are too upset will make them more anxious than they need be.
6 Allow children of seven or older to attend the funeral.
This will ensure that they really know the person has died. This helps with the reality that death has occurred and enables them to acknowledge their loss. Children of this age should be given time prior to the funeral to view the body and say goodbye in their own way. They will, therefore, find their place as an important member of the group of mourners. Children should be given a detailed explanation of what to expect at a funeral. Perhaps they will want to visit for a time with the funeral director who can answer their questions Whilst children should be encouraged to attend the funeral, they should never be forced to do so. Likewise, they should never be forced to kiss or touch the deceased, although it is all right for them to do so if they wish.
7 Children may giggle or laugh at things that are not funny.
Understand this and do not condemn them for reacting in a way that helps them.
8 Allow children to share memorial services and to visit the cemetery.
Going to the cemetery helps to prevent avoidance, denial and repression of painful feelings. The sadness felt in that place may help children to work through their grief.
9 Do not worry if children cry, and don't be in a hurry to stop the flow of tears when they start.
It is natural and normal for children to wash away grief with tears.
10 Talk about the death when the child wants to talk about it.
There is no need to answer questions that are not asked. The answers should be both honest and adequate for the questions asked, depending on the child's level of development.
11 Encourage children to write a goodbye letter to the deceased.
If this can be done before the burial and placed in the coffin with the body, it will be most reassuring to them. If this is not possible, encourage them to write the letter anyway. It will help them to be able to express their feelings.
**********************************
The above information is taken from a brochure published by Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) USA.
Further info from: MADD National Office, 511 E. John Carpenter Frwy. Suite 700, Irving, TX 75062
Tel: 800-GET-MADD (438-6233)
or Dallas Metro - 214-744-6233
Victim Services 24-Hour Helpline 877-MADD-HELP (877-623-3435)
Fax: 972-869-2206/07
Obviously younger children are less able to describe their feelings. However, the person caring for the child should give them plenty of attention and do a lot of touching and holding, to help them feel secure. Children who are older and can talk more freely should be encouraged to talk about their feelings and fears. Their grief and anger should be accepted. The best way for children to talk freely about their feelings is to be with adults who are comfortable talking about their own feelings.
2 Reassure children when they talk about their fears.
Many of these fears will be unreasonable but nevertheless real because they are young. Only when the person who cares for them understands what a child's level of development is, will they be able to help the child. Responses to fear should be direct and simple. Children should be touched or held. They can usually accept explanations when they know an adult is trying to help.
3 Spend time playing with children under ten.
Children often show their deepest feelings through their actions. Respond to their feelings with actions. After the first few weeks following a death, those caring for children should take time to sit down and play with them, allowing them to express whatever they wish through their toys. Try saying "Your doll got angry when his Daddy left"; "Your doll or teddy is crying in the bed. What is she sad about?"
4 Missed events can matter a lot.
If Dad has been teaching his son to go fishing or pitch a tent, and then died, the child may seem that he is more upset over fishing and camping than over the loss of his father. This is not really so, but it is the way a young child is most able to express his loss. He needs sympathy and support for his feelings and not criticism because he expresses them that way.
5 A family crisis should be shown, but do protect children from seeing someone on whom they depend as being very upset.
They can usually handle the feelings of sorrow, loneliness and anger but to witness people on whom they depend when they are too upset will make them more anxious than they need be.
6 Allow children of seven or older to attend the funeral.
This will ensure that they really know the person has died. This helps with the reality that death has occurred and enables them to acknowledge their loss. Children of this age should be given time prior to the funeral to view the body and say goodbye in their own way. They will, therefore, find their place as an important member of the group of mourners. Children should be given a detailed explanation of what to expect at a funeral. Perhaps they will want to visit for a time with the funeral director who can answer their questions Whilst children should be encouraged to attend the funeral, they should never be forced to do so. Likewise, they should never be forced to kiss or touch the deceased, although it is all right for them to do so if they wish.
7 Children may giggle or laugh at things that are not funny.
Understand this and do not condemn them for reacting in a way that helps them.
8 Allow children to share memorial services and to visit the cemetery.
Going to the cemetery helps to prevent avoidance, denial and repression of painful feelings. The sadness felt in that place may help children to work through their grief.
9 Do not worry if children cry, and don't be in a hurry to stop the flow of tears when they start.
It is natural and normal for children to wash away grief with tears.
10 Talk about the death when the child wants to talk about it.
There is no need to answer questions that are not asked. The answers should be both honest and adequate for the questions asked, depending on the child's level of development.
11 Encourage children to write a goodbye letter to the deceased.
If this can be done before the burial and placed in the coffin with the body, it will be most reassuring to them. If this is not possible, encourage them to write the letter anyway. It will help them to be able to express their feelings.
**********************************
The above information is taken from a brochure published by Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) USA.
Further info from: MADD National Office, 511 E. John Carpenter Frwy. Suite 700, Irving, TX 75062
Tel: 800-GET-MADD (438-6233)
or Dallas Metro - 214-744-6233
Victim Services 24-Hour Helpline 877-MADD-HELP (877-623-3435)
Fax: 972-869-2206/07
